A couple of months ago a small package arrived at the house. It was from some random person in Ohio, and otherwise had no indication what it was about. Naturally, being paranoid, I took the package to the back yard to open it, just in case it might explode. I’d rather blow up just myself than take out my family, too. Alas, it wasn’t nearly that dangerous. Instead, it appeared to be an odd little plastic toy. After opening the box and looking through the small booklet, I learned that it was my “fast”, as conceived by a fictitious scientist at Volkswagen. There’s a DVD in the VW showrooms that has a mockumentary about understanding people’s “fast”. The video is silly, but the booklet that accompanied the gremlin-looking toy is funny. At the back are a series of questions and answers regarding your “fast”. The best one goes like this:

Q: My Fast is too fast.

A: You are too old.

The booklet also provides suggestions for positions within the car where your fast can sit. The problem, I would imagine, is that unless you afix it to a surface using an adhesive, it’s going to act as a projectile in any rapid acceleration/decceleration scenario. It’s heavier than you’d expect and hard as heck, so I’ve left my fast on a shelf at home.

Anyway, the fast looks like a black ball, with hind legs like a dog, and stubby little paws, and his ears are folded back as if he’s moving at high speed. His eyes are beady, and his mouth is making a devilish sort of grin. The best part is, he comes with multiple tails; you choose which one he gets to wear by plugging it in to his butt. Mine’s got the pointy tail as that most resembles what I think a fast’s tail should look like.

In case you were wondering, this little gimmick is related to the VW GTI. I imagine everyone that buys a new GTI gets one of these little guys. I wonder how long it will be before other car manufacturers do something similar. Imagine what Mitsubishi might send you for buying an Evo. Maybe a small booklet on how to talk your way out of a speeding ticket. I could have used one of those.